Eight Things to Look for in a Partner
>By Edith Ankersmit Kemp, L.C.S.W., and Jerrold E. Kemp, Ed.D.

>You've been single for a while, and you've finally met someone of interest.
>How do you know if you're destined for a successful relationship? Consider
>these eight qualities.
>
>Empathy
>Does your partner have the ability to recognize and respond to your
>feelings? If so, you know you are really being listened to and understood.
>Can you speak of what bothers you and can your mate listen without being
>defensive? Is he or she there for you when times get tough or you are
>depressed? Research shows that knowing how a person reacts when a partner
>express sadness is the most valuable quality for a lasting relationship.

Empathy is indeed the most valuable quality. Knowing what the other person feels, knowing why they feel it, knowing that feeling yourself, knowing exactly how you would want someone to respond to you if you were feeling that way, knowing that that response may not be what your lover needs, adjusting your reaction according to what your lover needs, and loving them in spite of and because of their emotions – is the key to a lasting relationship. Saying or even thinking your lover is over-reacting or is too sensitive is a sign that your relationship is doomed and that you, yourself, may be emotionally immature. It is not immature to feel strongly about things – which is exactly the opposite of what most of us are taught – but the actions we take, based on those feelings, may not be mature, wise, healthy, or practical. We must be able to empathize with our lover’s feelings but that doesn’t mean we must accept whatever they do with those feelings. A simple, extreme example, would be to tolerate someone being violent just because they are angry or frustrated. Violence is never a healthy reaction to any emotion. Neither is complete withdrawal. Empathy does not mean one should accept the other’s complete denial of their emotions, or running away from their pain or fears.
>
>Affection
>Actions often speak more loudly than words alone. Is your partner
>comfortable touching you? Can kisses be gentle at times, passionate at
>others? Can your mate accept your touch and kisses? Does the tone of his or
>her voice and the look in his or her eyes express affection? Does your
>partner do thoughtful things for you? Is kidding done lovingly rather than
>with hostility?

Few people are ever kind simply because it is how they always behave. Most of us need some reason to be nice. That is how we think we need to be, to function in a competitive world. Maybe this is necessary, maybe kindness is a learned skill but why would someone ever have to pretend kindness to the one they love? Affection is nothing more than day to day, minute to minute, kindness. Is there anything more important than making one’s lover feel loved? Is there anything more important than making them happy? If you think so, you are in for a long, bickering, contentious, competitive relationship.
>
>Sexuality
>For a man, increasing age may mean a less firm erection and a longer
>arousal time, and a woman may have problems with vaginal dryness. But
>sexual satisfaction can be obtained despite these limitations. Are your
>preferences and desires important to your partner? Is he or she both tender
>and passionate? Playful? Inventive? Can you both talk freely about sex? Can
>your mate accept "no" when you're not in the mood?

Not in the mood? Why would they not be in the mood? Are we, as old farts, still so inexperienced at making love that we expect to be able to walk up to our lover and say, “I want sex now”? And then be surprised (but “accepting”) if they say, “Sorry, I’m not in the mood tonight”? It seems that nobody really knows how to physically love their lover. Few people know how to touch without a sexual agenda, few people can accept touch without suspecting a sexual agenda. Few people ever experience bliss -- which is, simply, the complete sharing of one’s heart, body and soul with another person. Most people aren’t even in tune enough with their sensuality to be open to an hour of caressing or kissing, let alone days of it. The common logic is that touching must lead somewhere soon because there are more important things to do – “get to the orgasm and get on with life”. Yuck. Those people who aren’t like this, who know how to be freely giving of their sensuality and who can freely accept their lover’s, are very very rare. Those who can accept all levels of sensuality -- from holding hands, to massage, to multiple orgasms -- at any time, in any place, without feelings of debt or obligation, without even a glimmer of resentment, without an agenda, without something more important to do, without ever saying, “You aren’t getting any tonight until you do this or that……” are so rare as to be almost non-existent. You can have a long-term relationship if neither of you are this kind of person, but if you are, I feel sorry for you. If only one of you is this way – get out now.
>
>Reliability and Honesty
>Can you count on your partner? When he or she says that something will get
>done, does it get done promptly? A person with a passive-aggressive
>personality will promise to do a task, then put it off indefinitely. It is
>more honest to say, "I don't want to."

“Counting on your partner” requires you to have expectations of them. If they have to “promise” to do a task, whether they actually do it or not, means that you have placed an expectation on them to do it. Why? Sure, it seems perfectly rational to go into a relationship expecting things – most of us enter relationships precisely because something is missing from our lives that this other person is going to provide -- so the relationship is founded on an expectation -- but why do we do this? Why do we burden the one person we love most, with our expectations and needs? Most of us would agree that two people in a relationship need to be able to count on each other. But to count on them to do what? Is it right and fair for the woman to expect that the man will be the breadwinner? Or even win any bread at all? Is it fair to expect that he will be a responsible citizen and pay taxes and bills, and plan for their retirement? Most people would consider these to be fair expectations. But should she expect him to also be a perfect lover, someone who is so attentive that the outside world disappears for him because she is in his life? Most of us would laugh at that. And what if the man expected her to completely understand him and his work, is that fair? What if the man expected that if things ever got painful or hard between them that they would fight and argue and work through it, no matter how long it took? Would that be a fair expectation? Does that count as being able to “rely on your partner”? We all have expectations of our lovers and because they are our expectations of them and not their own, the expectations will always cause conflict. The key is to ask nothing and expect nothing but to give all you can give – as long as you can do it lovingly and without resentment – and to continually be completely surprised and flattered that you receive anything at all from this wonderful person you are so privileged to call your lover.

>
>Is your mate there for you in good times and bad? If you choose to remain
>together for many years, do you feel certain that he or she will care for
>you as you age? The answer to this last question will come to you gradually
>as your relationship develops.

If you can’t imagine taking a day off from work to stay home to care for this person when they are sick now, you will never be able to cope with them in old age. Give it up.

>
>Neatness
>No two individuals have the same degree of neatness. As you visit each
>other's homes, observe how your habits differ. How critical are you of the
>other's habits -- and vice versa -- and how do you each respond to
>criticism? What accommodations can you make together? If you don't like the
>way he or she washes the dishes, for example, it might be best to wash them
>yourself. Your partner could then do another chore, thus avoiding a power
>struggle. The two of you can negotiate, but acceptance of each other's ways
>is primary.

Unfortunately, there really is no middle ground on this issue. If one person is a slob and the other is a neat freak, the compromise position would be way to disgusting for the neat freak to tolerate. Splitting tasks works fine in the short-term, but in the long term the differences will cause problems, because the slob will always aggravate the neat freak. It is too much to ask the slob to become a neat-freak too because even if the slob were to become 99% clean, the 1% mess would always be obvious. This is not to say that these two people are hopeless. The key, again, is to ask what are the expectations? If the clean freak removes the expectation that the slob will ever meet the cleaning standards, and if the slob can become cognizant of his/her lover’s happiness (and that a neat and clean place is part of that happiness), then the slob will naturally become more tidy. This change will be out of love, not out of obligation. In the meantime, the clean-freak can become more cognizant of the fact that there are other ways to find happiness in life, and that maybe going to the beach on Saturday, instead of staying in and cleaning, is a good thing, and that it is more fun lying in the sun making love with the slob than it is to stay at home bickering with him. This rule applies to all people, whether they are both clean-freaks or both slobs, because no matter how each maintains a house, one of them will always be neater. The key here is to realize that neither the fucking house nor anything else, is worth losing Love over.

>
>Intellectual and Social Competency
>When you first meet someone, it is not too difficult to know if that person
>is intellectually stimulating. Does he or she hold your interest during a
>conversation, or do you find your mind wandering? Does he or she talk too
>much, particularly about himself or herself? The ability to listen is
>important.

The ability to listen is important. And sometimes listening is difficult. More often than not, if the mind begins to wander, it is because of a weakness of our own, not because the other person is boring. I am smart enough to understand economics, but discussion about it – especially my personal economics – is very difficult for me, so I tune it out, and I essentially get bored. I am not smart enough to understand everything I hear at the physics seminars I attend, and I often struggle to keep my eyes open, but that is not because the professor is boring – quite the contrary. I also have listened to people talk about their dog, their garden, or their job, ad nauseum, but my “boredom” is not due to them at all, it is not due to what they say or how long they say it, my annoyance is always the direct result of my level of understanding or interest in the subject. I do not know much about dogs or gardens, and I work for myself, so I have nothing to respond with, no anecdotes, no knowledge to share, no empathy to express. But this is not the person’s problem. I must remind myself to listen anyway, because I will always learn something, and I can always ask next week, “How’s your garden growing”. In a relationship, the fact that your lover has something to say to you, about whatever it may be, should be enough of a joy to keep you glued to the edge of your seat. Of course, if you never have a chance to talk, or if you do talk and there is not at least an effort at attentiveness by your lover, you are with the wrong person.
>
>Also consider how well you interact with each other's family and friends.
>Are you proud to be with him or her? No couple is an island unto
>themselves. An interesting social life adds greatly to a relationship.

Nobody’s family is completely sane, so allowances must be made here. It is essential that your lover be able to acknowledge their family’s faults – and hopefully laugh at them with you. Friends are a bit trickier because, if you both are entering into a relationship as mature adults, you each have had years to meet and befriend hundreds of people with no relationship to your lover or her background. Many of your friends will also have been friends with your previous partners, so that can complicate things. In rare instances, you both may have common friends from decades earlier. None of these friends will be able to relate to you as mature adults, let alone as a couple. And, if you are entering this new and exciting relationship, very few of your friends – most of whom may be in stale relationships -- will be able to deal with your newfound enthusiasm. Learn that you may have to give up on the old friends and find new ones. Afterall, if these people were truly your friends, they would support you and accept your new partner with open arms – simply out of their love and respect for you.
>
>Financial Security
>Finances might not be discussed early in your relationship, but it should
>not be too difficult to ascertain an individual's financial situation. Are
>you willing to accept a partner less well-off than yourself?

If this matters to you, your priorities are in the wrong place. What is more important? Your heart or your stuff? If it is your money and your stuff, go buy a nice condo by the beach somewhere, stock it with nice furniture, pour yourself a jack daniels, find yourself a cleancut, organized, financially secure, retired army officer, and enjoy a life together of complete material contentment and emotional and intellectual stagnation. Just don’t be looking under your oriental rug for Bliss because it will be out surfing on a beach somewhere in Brazil, or sipping wine at a vineyard somewhere in France -- without you.

>
>Fairly early on, discuss how expenses for entertainment will be shared.
>Somewhat later, you might bring up travel and household expenses.
>Eventually, the question of inheritance must be examined. What will you
>leave to each other, and what to your children? Honest and frank
>discussions of this important issue are needed throughout your partnership.

Just share your stuff. Better yet, give it away now. What do you have it for? Find happiness in Love, life, living, giving, Being, learning, letting go, and forgiving.
>
>Acceptance of Your Children
>And are you comfortable with your partner's children? Getting along with
>each other's kids -- and their acceptance of your partnership -- is
>important in a successful relationship.

It is difficult to get along with our own kids when they are teen-agers, impossible for a step-mom or stepdad. When the kids mature and are in their 20s they will be easy to deal with – unless you raised spoiled brats -- in which case, you both will have problems with them forever.
>
>Communicate with your children as your union develops, and arrange pleasant
>activities together. Do not surprise them by suddenly announcing that you
>are living with or marrying someone new to them. If a child does not accept
>your new partner at first, remember that this may take time. Above all,
>loyalty to your new relationship should be primary.

Parenting styles will be different. It is hard to fall in love with someone as an individual, and then have to learn to love them all over again when you see them as a parent to their children. This is where the expectation thing comes into play, big time. We think that if our lover parents differently than we do, it is not simply a different way, it is a direct challenge and criticism of how we do it. This takes lots of love to get through.
>
>To learn more, read the newly-published book, Older Couples, New Couplings:
>Finding and Keeping Love in Later Life.
>