A letter in response to Regan, the young friend whose questions and challenges inspired this site.

Dude,

Contrary to your perception, I don't define myself as an outcast. I try not to consciously define myself at all, and that's the point. I am defined by the negative. Like a bubble in a glass of beer, I am defined by the beer because I am not beer. The society, or you, may define me or see me as "liking" to play the outcast role but I am merely being me. Because I make the purpose of my life something other than to be accepted by society, I am seen by society as a maverick. This iconoclasm is due to the fact that I simply choose to consider all influences and indoctrinations, and all the pressures and conditioning that I have been put through since infancy to “fit in” and be like everybody else. I ask "What is this about? What is the purpose of this behavior or belief system?" And I find that virtually all cultural norms are adopted and perpetuated to facilitate a sense of belonging and acceptance from one’s community, i.e. to feel safe and secure. If you fear being alone, if you have no true sense of self but rely instead on association with a group to give yourself identity and esteem, then you will do whatever you need to become part of that group -- from joining a church and believing in their interpretation of myth, to smoking cigarettes and getting drunk with friends as a teenager, to enlisting in the army, to wearing white hoods and burning crosses.

You ask why, if I'm an “outcast”, I'm not hanging out at the hip cafés, or doing hardcore public art. Is that what outcasts do? Is there a group of people who meet at the café because they define themselves as outcasts? Hmmm. What would that make them while there? It seems to me they wouldn't be outcasts for long but would become the IN crowd. And they would certainly become a group with an “us” vs. “them” identity.

You make the mistake of assuming my actions or inactions are premeditated for some effect. I remember back in 1976, after I got married, my little sister -- who was 14 at the time -- said, "When I get married, I'm going to do it in a way that will piss off everybody, just like YOU did!". She thought that we planned our ceremony the way we did to purposely bother our parents. The parents thought the same thing. But of course, that was the furthest thing from our minds -- we just wanted to do what felt right for us. Little did we know that people would take offense at our ceremony, and little did we know that from that point on, everything we did as a couple – from what we ate to how we raised our kids -- would be seen as an insult to our families and society.

You see Dude, it's their perception that is the problem. When people's life purpose is to fit into and follow the customs and dogma of a particular group, and someone like me comes along who does not have that purpose, I am seen not merely as a disappointment but as a threat. And the threat comes from the fact that by NOT doing what they do, I am challenging the Rightness of their beliefs and customs. And very few people can handle any challenge to their beliefs, precisely because it forces them to question their views -- the exact opposite of the blind faith they live by. Questioning of any kind is a threat, and anyone who questions is to be ostracized and ridiculed. I – the one who gives people more intellectual credit than they give themselves – am called “anti-social and judgmental”. I -- the questioner, the inquisitive one, the one who explores everything – am called “close-minded”. This is jabberwocky. This is double-speak. Those who live in fantasyland use Alice in Wonderland language to obscure the truth, and it bothers me only because it is such a short step from Alice to Orwell.

So why do I persist in being a pain in your mythological ass? Because it is my nature to ask questions to find out the truth of reality. I have wanted that since I before I could talk. It is, and has always been, more important for me to learn the truths of nature than to learn how to become a part of a group. If I was not who I am, when I moved to this town I would have become a member of the CoOp, I'd be doing saunas with all the hippie guys, smoking some weed, going to dowsing workshops, using aromatherapy, and popping homeopathic sugar pills. I'd be a REAL member of this community, and we wouldn’t be having this discussion. But I don't do that. Why do you think that is? Is it because I don’t want to be loved and accepted? Of course I want to be loved and accepted. I want that more than I want anything. I'm no different than anybody else in that -- the only difference is; I do not want to have to become someone or something else to get that love.

I do not want to be loved for how well I fit in, and I certainly don't want to be loved for the things I DO. I can define myself only by what I think and by what I feel. If I wake up tomorrow, deaf, blind and paralyzed, if I can never talk or paint or write or play music ever again -- all that I can ever BE in that state is what I think and feel internally. Since, in essence, that's all I AM, and since I am not paralyzed and can express my thoughts and feelings, I desire to be loved and accepted for those expressions -- and nothing more. I do not want friends or lovers who hold me in high regard because I paint, or can throw darts, or hit home-runs. And, if it is not obvious, I don't want friends who like me because I make a lot of money. In fact, besides my aversion to capitalism, I have purposely NOT been "successful" in that way because I do not want to attract or know people who judge me by those materialistic standards.

In a nutshell, dude, I am not playing the game virtually everyone else is playing. Like my wedding, it's not a choice I make to piss people off, or to alienate myself, it's just a choice to be true to me. It gets very lonely but I will die someday, happy that I did not bullshit myself or give up my mind and heart just to get some babes to fuck me or some guys to let me join their bowling league.

Peace,

Saganista

p.s. One last thing about the "blessing" issue. You missed my point. For our Christian friend to instinctively wish his god's blessing on people, is to react out of habit and to react without thinking, i.e. "thoughtlessly". He blesses without thinking, and Trent Lot said what he said about Strom Thurmond without thinking. And to not think is dangerous.

Would you or our friend bring pork to the house of a Jewish or vegetarian friend? Maybe once. But when you learned that it was offensive you wouldn't do it again. So, like any number of other social graces we learn, we should learn that invoking mythical beings in the presence of, and especially in behalf of, someone who doesn't believe in them, is insulting.